Another year gone.

It seemed that this year I emerged from a long, dark passage of the soul. I had been “imprisoned” in this passage for a few years, at least since I turned thirty three years ago. Of course, hindsight is 2020. I needed that dark passage to understand better what path to take.

Whilst in this dark passage, I felt incapable of bearing the ongoings in various dimensions of my life. Pandemic notwithstanding, the stressed stemmed from dimensions including dysfunctions within the family, career’s constant upward and onward pressure, and a nagging feeling that I’m not living up to my truest potential.

I didn’t have good coping mechanisms either. I took the pressure from the various dimensions of this life, and beat myself up constantly. I resorted to suboptimal coping mechanisms, leading to reduced impulse control.

Most of this year I remained shrouded in darkness. I am surprised at how I functioned, really. There was a constant stream of thought occupying the limited capacity of my brain, leaving no room for problem-solving.

Over the course of a few years this led to deteriorating health (I put on 60lbs) and . I lost sight of who I really was. I started to lose confidence that I could move moles, let alone mountains. I felt impotent, unable able to effect anything or anyone.

But later this year, something clicked and I decided I had had enough. I realized that there were things I could take charge of, and others that I couldn’t really control. This is a lesson emphasized in Vipassana: don’t get attached to the contents of life, and don’t run away from them either. Life is constant flux; try to remain equanimous. Bruce Lee called this “be like water”.

It was time to get to work. Rather than being reactive, it was time to take control of how I was spending my time, and to do everything I could that was within my circle of control. I decided to move forward in my relationship, starting by propopsing to my now fiancee. I joined a Calisthenics gym and started my journey towards moving the way I’ve always dreamt of. I started working on more “spiritual” matters, beginning with practices that remind me daily why I’m here, and to center me when the ups and downs of life threaten to derail me. I also made some progress on where I want to head towards in my career.

Next year, I will take my focus on health to the next level, by also focusing on how I eat. At the moment food has become one way to reward myself, and I must learn how to balance this with “food as fuel”. I plan to advance with calisthenics as well, by acheiving my goal of doing my first pull-up as well as my first muscle-up. I have other goals too, so I’m optimistic for 2024.

Yes, there’s a lot of pain out there in other parts of the world. And the best thing I can do for the world is to not be a part of the problem. I must become powerful and potent, so that when the time comes, I can apply myself and bring the world towards better outcomes. Idealistic, yes. Better this than wallowing in my self-pity.