I turn thirty tomorrow. As yet another decade rolls to an end, I find myself looking back and wondering: what lessons has it taught? For me, this is a question worthy of pause and reflection. What follows is my attempt at articulating insights I have at thirty that I didn’t have at twenty.
1. Learning the Fundamentals
According to The Defining Decade, our twenties hold the potential for rapid development. This is one of two developmental phases everyone goes through (the other is during infancy). Now is the time to start learning about the world, not by twiddling about with hallucinated hypotheses, but rather by interacting with the world direclty to get some valuable feedback. Maybe this means taking more risks, as we gradually let go of inhibitions learned previously. The more feedback we get, the better we can model how the world works. Gradually, reckless risk-taking becomes calculated risk-taking.
Certain fundamentals deserve our attention early, because the sooner we tend to them the more intelligently we can use the limited resource of time. For example:
- Learning about the underpinnings of wealth-creation can help us jump earlier onto the compound interest bandwagon.
- Expanding our inter-personal and intra-personal intelligences can help us create and sustain healthier long-term relationships.
- Maintaining our bodies is a habit best developed early. In my twenties I thought I could justify a decade of indulgence because my body did not complain at the time-but it doesn’t work like that. The debts pile up and compound too. The last thing anyone wants is to reach the gates of their thirties only to be greeted by an insurmountable pile of health debt.
2. Learning by way of experimentation
Once I dove into curiosity-driven inquiry, I inadvertently began to level-up:
- I took improv and standup comedy lessons (I even ended up doing a comedy set) which made me realize I actually like being around people.
- I set forth into the vast, intimidating world of dating, persevered, and eventually met my partner of five years.
- I attempted a startup making wearable devices to track form during workouts - and left a year and a half later once I realized I was missing important industry experience.
- I chose to—consciously—bungee jump off a 200ft high cliff over a spring lagoon, falling for about eight seconds, three of which were in free fall. Doing so brought me confidence that I can let go when I need to.
- I made it through a ten-day silent meditation course, and walked out with extraordinary tools to explore my awareness.
Even the range of music I listen to expanded. I’m not phenomenal at any of these endeavours, but I know enough to not be in unconscious ignorance.
3. Forging alliances with the right therapist
It’s possible to make it on our own, but working alongside others has the advantage that we grow quicker. People who are close to us in some ways reflect us to ourselves; the way they react to us (and why) carries information about our behaviour.
Now take this information, put it on steroids, and now we have what a good therapist can do for us. Not only does such an individual understand better than most people how the human mind works, but thanks to interactions with dozens of personalities across a large segment of the population, they also have reams of case studies pertaining to life choices and how they played out.
I’ve had profound realizations after hearing my therapist rephrase the language I use to present problems, and juxtapose them with how others solved it. It takes some trial and error to find the right therapist, but it’s worth the find. I don’t go to a therapist because I feel there’s something wrong with my mind; I go so I can learn how it works.
4. Reframing the past
The more we observe our actions and the more actions that we observe, the more we start becoming aware of the causality in our lives. In my adolescence I had difficulty opening up because I was bullied as a child; when no one came to help, I attributed this to a lack of self worth. As a teenager I was overweight, which had social consequences. My parents were obsessed with my grades-so much so that I feared not being top of the class.
My twenties brought a more mature lens on the basis of which I could begin to reframe my past. If I hadn’t been bullied, I wouldn’t have known what an abuse of power feels like. Being overweight inspired me to learn the fundamentals of movement, prompting me to invest in a professional trainer. And my parents’ persistence with my grades paved my way into one of the finest engineering schools in North America.
In our twenties we start to identify the sources of our habit patterns. Gradually, we delineate our voice amidst the din of a million other voices. We begin to understand that personality can be designed-so we need not remain stuck in the habit patterns of the past. This is liberating to discover.
5. Cultivating a support network
At twenty, I was determined to get by on my own. I would keep to myself and rarely open up. Had you met me then, you would’ve noticed the heavily furrowed eyebrows and the missing grin. It wasn’t until I risked vulnerability and ventured into the unknown that I was acquainted with ‘my tribe’. When the going gets tough, and that weight in my stomach just won’t go, it helps to know I’m not in this alone. A support system is just that: a system that supports you when you need it - and laying down its roots begins (at least) in the twenties.
6. Focusing on what needs to grow
There’s no free lunch. We can’t experience the depth of a long, monogamous relationship while also seeking the thrill and adventure of the next sexual partner. A desk job brings stability at the cost of choice in tasks. A startup can empower one to solve a complex problem at the price of imbalance in other dimensions in one’s life.
Everything has a cost; I may not have sensed it at the time, but that’s only because the length of time for the cost to manifest itself had not yet come to pass. If I’m doing better than someone else in my career, it doesn’t necessarily mean I have answers they don’t; I may have simply chosen to focus on a different path. Perhaps others chose to focus on family, or doing a startup, or taking time off to go on an adventure; what they are growing might bear fruit in their 30s and 40s. As my career counsellor once told me: what we focus on grows.
So there it is. That’s what’s going through my head as I stand at the precipice of my twenties. As so many have told me, the past is to learn from, and my twenties have certainly brought learning.
Now onto discovering what the thirties are going to be about.