March 01, 2024
♪ Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. ♪
January 22, 2024
Dear Diary,
I have gained 3 KGs. Wow.
Not sure what to make of it. My gut reaction was to spiral into a viscious cycle of self-defeat. Then I remembered that my clothes actually fit better, and I’m moving better than a year ago. Think long-term.
My self-defeatist attitude was debilitated by the fact that my right shoulder’s been hurting for the past month. Today, sure enough, it started acting up again. A terrifying image flashed before my eyes, one in which I was living with a chronically damaged shoulder.
I must keep going. The alternative is to sit at home and do nothing, and that’s what got me into the mess I’m in. Fatigue, trouble standing up straight, overweight and immobile. One step at a time.
On the bright side, I learned a few things too. First, the right shoulder hurts because it collapses forward, which happens because the left side of the lower back isn’t firing (due to a past injury). Fix the lower back, get the right lat muscle firing, and the shoulder pain will resolve.
Second, I’ve been noticing that my elocution—which has suffered tremendously since Covid, in the sense that I mumble and sound monotonous and languished—improves tremendously when I stand up with symmetry. Standing up with symmetry just means that I’m loading both feet equally. This isn’t the case today, because of the aforementioned, inactive lower back on one side. My torso tends to twist to the left. Because of this I don’t stand up straight, which leads to a neck that rolls forward, throttled breathing and muffled speech. Fix the back!!
Seems like today is a day of realizations. I solved another problem ailing me for years. The Android Auto in my car just wouldn’t accept my phone. It would accept every other phone we tried, just not mine. I even switched phones, and still it refused to connect. I changed cables. I deleted my phone from the car and reconnected. I played around with Google’s privacy settings on my phone. No change. For two years I’ve been magnetically mounting my phone on the vents and using it directly (what a tragedy, I know). I was venting to my partner today, and just decided to factory reset the car system. After 10 minutes of waiting for a factory reset—BOOM, the phone connected!
Thank you, Universe.
January 15, 2024
Dear Diary,
Today someone at the gym asked me what my biggest takeaways were after a year of calisthenics. I was taken aback by the question, because I didn’t expect someone to ask me this seeing as I’m still visibly out of shape. Having said that, the answer I gave him formed gradually, bit by bit, after various iterations.
Here’s what I said about my three biggest takeaways.
Consistency and persistence take precedence above all else. The body has considerable momentum in a non-conducive direction coming in. It needs small, repeating stimuli to change momentum in a more positive direction. Show up even when you don’t feel like it. Over time, you want to be anywhere else.
Second, patience is an important virtue. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Having a long-term perspective is important, otherwise you’ll get demotivated. At first, I wanted to say I’m going to do this for a few months. Then a year. Eventually I realized it’s more important to develop a habit than getting to a set of “six pack abs”. Besides, even if I somehow get to a set of six pack abs, and don’t have a long-term perspective, my old habits would take over anyways.
Third, it’ll be tough to show up consistently if you’re not having fun, so invest in a sense of community. Build a network. Exchange pleasantries. Trade comments and strategies. The community will keep you coming back, tying into point number two above, of having a long-term perspective.
January 10, 2024
Dear Diary,
I’m going through one of those “ebbing” phases, the ones where I find myself waning into relaxation instead of driving forward. I am allowing myself this waxing and waning, temporarily, so that I may return to the “flowing” phase with vigour.
I must keep careful watch though. One day turns into two, two into three, and before I know it, months go by being away from physical activity.
I’ve been doing the rotational hip mobility exercises the chiropractor gave me. It’s been a week. In the gym I felt slightly more stability on the plank, resulting in me holding the plank for longer this week. So I’m optimistic this exercise will restore some of the imbalance I’ve been suffering in my hips for the past few years.
The hamstring on the left side, which had been so tight and painful the last week, is slowly being releaved. It’s still tight, but I feel good things are on their way.
Even though the wall handstands this week were difficult, with me hardly being able to move closer to the wall, and my right shoulder hurting afterwards, I feel there is more stability coming this way. On the handstands I remained aware of keeping both hips balanced, and that resulted in the right shoulder pulling more of its weight. Will have to keep doing this.
I’ll return to the gym soon.
December 2023
Dear Diary,
I dropped the ball back in October, and have been making my way back slowly and steadily since. It’s funny how quickly time passes when you’re not in the gym, lounging on the couch, eating crap and being hedonistic in general. It’s funnier (not really) how much time slows down when you’re doing the heavy work of getting your ass to the gym every day.
Every day, the struggle starts anew. I decided a while ago that I will go into the gym everyday, with a day or two of rest as needed. It hasn’t been easy, every inch of my body hurts. But I decided to do this because leaving gaps in between means even more pain when I get back into the gym. It took me a year to figure this out.
I’ve noticed some positive changes in the last two months. In the gym everyone knows me as 1) the bigger guy (I’m assuming, no one’s implied this), and 2) the flexible guy. My flexibility has improved in many ways.
The other day someone fist-bumped me because he noticed how much weight I’ve lost. A close friend commented I’ve dropped a lot of pounds. So it’s showing.
Strangely, the weighing machine still shows 111KGs. I suppose I’ve been putting some muscle on, and the clothes are fitting better. Still feels annoying that the gut is big, but these things take time. So gotta keep patient.
I ended up seeing a chiropractor for the mobility issues in my left hip. It’s been two months and I haven’t seen improvement from exercise alone. The chiro told me my hips are very tight (which is strange, because I have pretty good flexibility bending forwards), but rotational mobility is quite weak. He gave me some stretches and exercises to do three times a day. Let’s see what happens.
September 2023
Dear Diary,
It’s already been a year. I renewed my membership to the calisthenics gym for another year.
I haven’t been consistent throughout the year. Rather, there are bursts where I’m consistent for a few three-month legs in the year. The rest of the months my motivation was dwindling, I was doubting myself, or I was being plain lazy.
It’s alright though, over the long run it’s better to develop good habits, which I’m doing.
If the pain gets too much, I won’t want to be consistent anyways.
August 2023
Dear Diary,
I have a nice ritual going. I listen to podcasts on the way to and from the gym. The drive there and back are “me” times. I listen to the Lex Fridman podcasts, or depending on my mood, Joe Rogan.
I’m noticing I’m starting to move better. I can hang for 60s now. Dips are still hard, something feels off in my right shoulder. The Australian push-ups are pretty tough still, can’t get past 30 seconds. Planks are pretty hard too but I know I’m progressing.
May 2023
Just keep going. Just keep going.
April 2023
March 2023
Jan 2023
Dear Diary,
Got back into it in the new year. I had given up in the past couple months. I feel like such an odd person out at the gym. Even though everyone’s great, I know what everyone must be thinking.
Still, I’ve gotta remember what brought me to Calisthenics, and stay committed. Small efforts, repeated, will complete any undertaking. One step at a time is not too difficult.
October 2022
Septermber 2022
August 2022
The owner and instructor at Ultimate Calisthenics, Alex, asked me to take pictures of myself regularly to track progress. I feel very vulnerable putting these here… what if my boss sees it? What if my extended family sees it?
Let them see. I’m a lion, right? Lions take risks.
Here’s the first set of them.
After coming back from the Calisthenics gym, I feel very dejected. I saw people with rock hard abs doing jumping lunges, iron crosses, ring muscle-ups… and here I’m struggling to warm-up properly.
It’s going to be a very long road.
Here are a few other excerpts from The Greatest Salesman In The World that’re keeping me going.
“The prizes of life are at the end of each journey, not near the beginning, and it is not given to me to know how many steps are necessary in order to reach my goal. Failure I may still encounter at the thousandth step, yet success hides behind the next bend in the road. Never will I know how close it lies until I turn the corner. Always will I take another step. If that is to no avail, I will take another, and another. In truth, one step at a time is not too difficult.”
—Scroll III, The Greatest Salesman In The World
“I will build my castle one brick at a time, for I know that small efforts, repeated, will complete any undertaking.”
—Scroll III, The Greatest Salesman In The World
Love,
Jawad
PS: My partner says the hair on my belly looks like a christmas tree. She’s not wrong…
(Still Later) July 2022
Diary Diary,
I’ve joined a Calisthenics gym. It’s called Ultimate Calisthenics and is located in Toronto. Wish me best.
Love,
Jawad
(Later) July 2022
Dear Diary,
Here are some videos of things I want to be able to do.
I’ll look for some Calisthenics gyms near me.
Love,
Jawad
July 2022
Dear Diary,
Something needs to change.
My body feels like a prison. It lacks the most basic range of motion required to accomplish the simplest tasks. I get drained so easily. From meditating and body scanning, I notice unpleasant sensations arising more often than when I was in better shape.
It goes without saying I don’t like how the person looking back at me from the mirror looks. This affects my confidence. My confidence affects my performance at work and in my relationships. I’m not applying myself fully.
A throttled body doesn’t express itself well. When one doesn’t express oneself with high fidelity, other people don’t lean in. So constipated expressiveness is reducing my ability to persuade others. This is shortening my raidus of impact.
At a mental level, I lack the persistence, drive and endurance to last long enough to accomplish anything of substance. I’m living life in the short-term. I’m letting the winds of life move me as they please.
Something needs to change.
The following excerpt from a book that Matthew McConaughey recommended resonated with me.
“I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure coarse through my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion, and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiney.”
— Scroll III, The Greatest Salesman In The World.
Enough weeping and complaining. Time for some action.
Love,
Jawad